it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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