I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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