dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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