Four minutes until I can fart!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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