im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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