All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
