like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
