I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
