I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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