We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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