I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Randomize
