Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
