I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
