Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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