Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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