i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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