Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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