Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Everyone says I win the strip club
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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