we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Someone shit on the floor
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
