I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
where are my eyebrows?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
