You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
