no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
