As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
