hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
