The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
do herpes really smell.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
