We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize