I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
