matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
