yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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