if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I didn't notice because vodka
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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