Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Houston, we have a squirter
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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