i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
