I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
