so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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