How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
