I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
