At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
