o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
