No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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