I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
