Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
