Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I believe in your delicious
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
