Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
