I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
