Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just puked most of my soul out..
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