Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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