got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
