you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
