Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
