Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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